struggle

so after days and months of discussion ... the hus and i have finally decided we are "ready" for another bundle of joy. our beautiful baby girl is three now (omg!) and he's almost done with pilot training blah blah blah. we just figured ... what is a better time than the present. because there is never the "perfect time" ... and lord knows how long it will even take to get pregnant. it'll definitely be different having to try this time lol

speaking of getting pregnant ... this is where the struggle comes in. i have been so hesitant to talk to anyone about this, and i'm not really sure why. but i need to get it off my chest because it feels like it's eating me from the inside. and although i love the hus very, very much ... he's not much of a listener. or empathetic at all for that matter. but anyway.

so what felt like a success in coming to this agreement soon turned to dispair. for those of you that don't know, three months after having my beautiful bouncing baby girl, i opted to have Mirena, or an IUD inserted as my chosen method for birth control. it seemed like the most fail-proof and easy solution at the time. i figured ... if i can't remember to take the pill everyday at the same time as a single woman ... there is no way i'll EVER remember as a first time mommy. so the story goes ...

turns out, my lovely little "live-in" friend mr. mirena decides to not cooperate with the removal process for many reasons. a couple being that 1. the strings were cut too short (which my orignal l-ville obgyn failed to mention upon insertion) and 2. i was one of the lucky people whose, excuse my language when i say, uterus decided to realign and readjust the placement of the aforementioned device. yippy skippy! long story short ... three doctors have now attempted removal with no such luck. thank goodness for the loveliness that is tricare :)

so now, after weeks of worry that have seemed to go on forever ... i finally have a D&C scheduled. so it looks like mr. mirena has no other options but to come out. thank the lord.

as they say ... hindsight is 20/20. my only regret in choosing this as an option is that effects of the surgery/removal may do damage that might cause an inability to ever get pregnant again. and although it is a small risk (like they told me the risks of an IUD would be in the first place), there is still a chance.

three things: i am sad, i feel guilty, and i remain hopeful. sad because i would take it back if i could. sad because they don't inform (or didn't used to) of all the risks that go hand in hand with this device. sad that i may not get the chance to have another baby. and then guilty ... because i already have a beautiful toddler who i love more than my own life. guilty because i already don't deserve a child as wonderful as she is. and guilty that i am sad ... and maybe being slightly selfish. but i remain hopeful. hopeful that everything will work out and be ok. because that's the only option. hopeful that i won't disappoint my loved ones or my husband. i was an only child and want nothing more than to have a bigger family than i had. hopeful that no one will be hard on me or blame me for what could be perceived as a mistake.

but i can't go back in time. i can't take back the decisions i made. i truly believe that everything happens for a reason ... and what will be, will be. so for now i will try my best to stay positive (as its not always easy for me). and continue to hope that everything will work out in the end.

p.s. i once saw a psychic (yes i believe in it ... save your comments!) and she said that i would have another child :) it may be a shot in the dark, but who knows? i'll take all the good news i can get lol

victory

"It was nearly 10 years ago that a bright September day was darkened by the worst attack on the American people in our history. The images of 9/11 are seared into our memory...The worst images are those that were unseen to the world. The empty seat at the dinner table. Children forced to grow up without a mother or father. Parents that would never know the feeling of a child's embrace...September 11, 2001, in our time of grief, the American people came together. We offered our neighbors a hand, and the wounded our blood....We were united as one American family...."

-President Barack Obama

May 1, 2011

 

"I have never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure." 

- mark twain

 

such a great day in our nation's history. i have never been more proud to be a military wife. these are the days that shape our lives and the lives of those in our future. days like today give me hope for my daughter's future in this country and this world. god bless our troops.